At the Funeral...

Anyone who knows me in real life knows I have dated older woman, some of them have had children. One of my previous interests, who got very close for a period of time, had two children both with physical disabilities. I won't go into specifics save to say they were both bed ridden and replied on a nurse at home 24/7. She loves them both to death and they were and always will be a major part of her life.

Recently, her youngest passed away. I was called by a mutual friend and informed about the funeral. I went...these are my thoughts.

I haven't been to a viewing since my grandmother died when I was around 12 or so. I was never too close to her, and to me it just looked like an old woman's body. I didn't really care too much about her but was fascinated by the fact that a dead person was in front of me. Thursday was much different; I cared not only for the mother, but also for the little girl that smiled every time she squeezed my finger. She made laughing noises when I would say her name in funny voices. She was such a sweet heart.

There she lay, looking like a chubby cheeked doll in her dwarf sized coffin. She was so young, and small. The teddy bear someone had propped on the side of her body was almost the size of her. She looked beautiful, just like she was sleeping. Only now there were no hoses, air tubes, IV lines or pill bottles.
As I walked up to the coffin, her mother was crying. We aren't seeing each other and this was totally in appropriate timing I guess but she look so beautiful, I couldn't help but think wow, her child is dead, she is crying her eyes out but yet I cannot help but look at how gorgeous she is. I wiped a tear from her face after she gave me a loving hug.
I didn't quite know what to say other than I am sorry, I mean I am only 23 no kids, she is 38 now and just lost her first child. How could I really console her or comfort her. I felt sad, I felt as though the world has lost a sweet little girl, and her mother has lost her youngest child.
What could I say to anyone that lost someone they cared about? I left soon afterward, I felt ashamed that I could not be anything to anyone more than a young, stupid kid. This is the first time I have felt like that since I really was a young stupid kid.
I suddenly felt bad for almost everyone there. Most of them are religious in some way, and I couldn’t help but think “how could they be so delusional?” But of course this again is the wrong time. I felt bad that they were convinced she was in a “better place.” I hate that I hate these thoughts at all the wrong moments. I almost wish I wasn’t so logical, that way I would feel more comfortable around all the people saying “she is happy now running around in gods land.”