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I have learned a few things about myself in the last few days. I was coming down with a head cold and mild fever, and started to feel the symptoms, very slightly, on this past Saturday evening. Sunday was when it really hit me mentally and only mildly physically with slight discomfort and minor aches. Mentally, however this "bug” got the best of me. In the moments of introspect of my own subconscious, where my deepest insecurities live freely and uncontrolled, I lost hold of reality. It may have been the minor virus, or the mass quantities of DayQuil and Excedrin I took to fight the head ache and the onset of the symptoms from the plague (plague here meaning head cold); but I lost myself in a deep state of depression. Emotions and thoughts I had not felt in a while came to surface and ran rapid; my almost instinctual personal security against emotional quandary was slow to react. This led me to think things that I thought I had buried. Everything from aspects of my personality that lay dormant to attitudes toward people and friends in general.
I have recently found myself incorporated into a series of events that I've not been in many years. Safe to say, this is the first of its kind as far as maturity of the condition. In my state of a sleepless dream, I committed acts that lead me to believe that the wonderful new predicament I have found myself in has become a mere ruse, in the sense that it will become a rote set of actions leading up to the finale, where little if any actual intent or interest can grow and become more than it was. The loss of this connection with another human being is troubling. I felt that I found a special person that understood a majority of my particular brand of crazy, but also shared a few of my own quirks and idiosyncrasies; yet they were different enough to have varied opinions on anything from literature to political ideals. It was nice to meet someone strong enough to stay their ground in debate, and not take it personal. All the same, it was an awesome ride, regardless of its fleeting nature. Until this point, all of my personal contact has been in the forms of conjured personalities from which minor aspects are taken from my own true self. They had no idea, who I really was. I, however morally corrupt as you interpret this, had no desire to know them either. Purely a biological aspect of release to save my own self from the torment being the "thirsty man in a desert," I sought simple targets, applied learned behaviors and techniques that both satisfied and left without harm.
She tells me that I am much like many of her friends, I am "uncommon" in so many ways that I never dreamed of that it seems like there may be another similar of her as well. If and when this current state ends, regardless of its means, I will attempt to find these people. Of course, I would love to find them either way, if nothing else then friends of course. Still it would have been nice for this to last longer than a few weeks of bliss and uninterrupted happiness. I was genuinely happy. Now, I am unsure what is next. I suppose it is solely up to her and her actions as whether or not this will continue or dwindle to friendship.
